Affirmations for Self Esteem are Largely Ineffective and Misleading (Why?)

Affirmations for self esteem (particularly low self esteem) seem like a great idea. Psychotherapeutically, self esteem affirmations are uplifting statements that are voiced repeatedly to help an individual dramatically reverse a negative self-perception. In theory, the statement takes on the task of influencing the subconscious mind to act in accordance with a desired end result. However, research psychologists at the University of Waterloo have now found that affirmations generally do not work. Their conclusion is that instead of inspiring people to improve, affirmations are far more likely to confuse them and give them false hope. In a study involving 68 students, the subjects were asked to repeat the statement “I am a lovable person” every 15 seconds. When the study ended, the results showed that while the affirmation worked for some, it proved unsuccessful for others (particularly those with low self-esteem). In fact, it made them feel worse. Were you among them? If so, let’s see why it most likely didn’t work for you.

You Didn’t Believe It
 What possible reason would you have for not believing that you are a lovable person? Seeing yourself as lovable shouldn’t be difficult; let alone make you feel worse. However, there are several reasons why this is the case. One explanation is that your whole life has thus far been one filled with repeated ridicule, abandonment, and  rejection. Another explanation could be that others have told you repeatedly over many years that you’re not lovable. Yet, you are asked to believe it otherwise. How would that be possible? One simple affirmation is not going to miraculously reverse a negative self-perception just because you’ve uttered it for 15 seconds (or even 15 years); especially if the damage endured over several years. Unless the affirmation made sense to you personally, you would have a very difficult time believing it.

You Didn’t Understand What it Really Meant
Did you really understand what you were affirming? Did you even know what is meant by “being lovable“? It’s possible that you thought it meant being a people pleaser, an unwilling victim, or a verbal punching bag. You were convinced that the affirmation would help you even though you were never given an accurate definition of the term “lovable‘. If I asked you to repeat the affirmation “I am a tuyrmnhx”, would you understand what it meant? No, you wouldn’t (there’s no such word in the English language). The point is that the affirmation doesn’t have any meaning to you, and would therefore render it useless. Even if you thought you knew what it meant, you would still be vulnerable because of your unawareness.

Your Behavior Reveals the Contrary
You behave contrary to the self esteem affirmation, because you haven’t changed your behavior. You don’t act like someone who is lovable or even deserving of love. You’re probably distant, mean-spirited, and unapproachable. It’s likely that you don’t reach out to receive love; even though there are others ready to bestow it upon you. If you were asked to repeat the affirmation “I am financially responsible”, your behavior would reveal otherwise if you were reckless with your money. If your behavior doesn’t change, your spending habits won’t either. The truth is that you need to change your behavior before repeating the affirmation; not after. If you were to affirm “I am going grocery shopping”, your behavior would reflect grocery shopping after you made up your grocery list, cut out your coupons, and checked your bank balance. Your change in behavior would not merely occur just after repeating the affirmation “I am going grocery shopping”.

You Didn’t Know How to Make it Happen
Another big problem is that you didn’t know how to make it happen. Becoming a lovable person takes a great deal of effort and compromise. However, the affirmation seems to suggest that if you were to merely repeat it, everyone you met would lovingly kneel to you. Obviously, nothing could be furthest from the truth. In that case, the real question isn’t if you’re a lovable person. The question is if you know what it takes to be a lovable person. What goes into being a lovable person? What do lovable people do?  Once you learn what to do, it will only be then that you will work towards being a lovable person yourself.

You Couldn’t Provide Any Proof to its Validity
The only positive affirmations that work are those where there is some prior evidence that supports their validity. It’s likely that you have no proof that you are a lovable person. In fact, all of your evidence might even prove the contrary. Did anyone ever tell you that they loved you? Did you ever receive a loving hug? Did anyone ever express love to you in any form? More importantly, do you love yourself? If your answer is “no” to all of thee above, then it’s likely that you don’t really have any proof that you are a lovable person. Knowing this can make you feel sad and depressed. That said, the affirmation in question would not work for you.

What Now?
So, what’s the alternative? According to the researchers from the University of Waterloo and the University of New Brunswick, positive affirmations don't help build self esteem. Instead, they encourage those with low self esteem to accept their negative feelings about themselves. To begin, don’t state affirmations that you can’t verify, define, relate to, or demonstrate. Likewise, stay from those that you don’t believe. Only affirm that which you can prove and substantiate. As for reversing your negative self-perception and shortcomings, it’s best to be honest and upfront about them. The truth is that you’re not a lovable person. It pays to be honest about that than to veil it with false self esteem hypnosis. Then, you’ll need to state your desire and plan to change for the better; and then get started at changing yourself. Your new statement should then be, “I’m not a lovable person yet, but I’m working very hard everyday at becoming one.” Don’t be a false optimist, but don’t be a pessimist either. Instead, be a highly self-motivated realist. Affirmations for self esteem can be very helpful. However, this is only true if they mean something concrete.